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Angry? Don’t beat yourself up over it

April 30th, 2008

By Ned Hickson/Siuslaw News

Hello and welcome to another edition of our special in-depth medical feature Health Yak, which has been recognized by the U.S. Surgeon General as “extremely topical,” meaning that you should not attempt to ingest any portion of this column without first consulting your doctor.

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Your investments are more secure thanks to me, and a select group of financial dunderheads

April 23rd, 2008

By Ned Hickson/Siuslaw News

Given the state of today’s economy, it’s hard to know who to trust when it comes to investing your money. You could trust ME of course, but that would mean giving your money to someone whose greatest return on an investment came when I accidentally got a 75-cent candy bar out of a vending machine using only two quarters.

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At a newspaper, every roll is crucial

April 7th, 2008

By Ned Hickson/Siuslaw News

There are few things that can bring a newspaper to a halt when it is facing a deadline. In fact, aside from a natural catastrophe or a critically important breaking news story (Example: Anything related to “Dancing with the Stars”), nothing stands in the way of our commitment, as journalists, to ensure that the power of the press continues — unless, of course, the unthinkable happens, and we run out of toilet paper in both employee restrooms.

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The Easter Bunny is still getting help from fathers in boxer shorts

March 17th, 2008

By Ned Hickson/Siuslaw News

Soon, in the wee hours of the morning, something magical will happen in back yards all across America as, one by one, each of them is visited by…

You guessed it!

A half-naked father hiding Easter eggs.

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Planning your wedding? Register for duct tape

March 10th, 2008

By Ned Hickson/Siuslaw News

Once you are officially engaged, the first person to know, outside of immediate family and friends, is the postal delivery person. That’s because, on a daily basis, this person must find a way to stuff 800 pounds of free wedding catalogues into your mailbox. This is accomplished with careful folding, efficient use of space, and a potato masher.

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Insurance premium up? Thank my clumsy dog

March 10th, 2008

By Ned Hickson/Siuslaw News

Each year, we gather as a family to have our pets blessed on St. Francis Day. We do this because we want to give our pets every advantage, particularly if there’s a chance — through divine intervention — that our Chocolate Labrador’s IQ could be raised above that of a standard carrot. I know this is supposed to be a general blessing situation, but I think God would agree there was a serious oversight during Stanley’s creation process.

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If your name is Larry, call me; we’ve got a bad connection

March 10th, 2008 try">
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Green-glowing mice can help cats with night blindness

March 10th, 2008

By Ned Hickson/Siuslaw News

I can’t tell you how many nights I’ve spent lying awake, staring up at the ceiling and thinking to myself:

Gee, if only they could make a super strong mouse.

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Frozen lima beans: The gift that keeps on gagging

March 10th, 2008

By Ned Hickson/Siuslaw News

It was 78 years ago that Clarence Birdseye, inspired by ancient food preservation methods used by Arctic Eskimos, made history by introducing the very first frozen food option: “Savory Caribou on a Stick.”

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Computer acting up? Back-hand it with an antistatic wrist strap

March 10th, 2008

By Ned Hickson/Siuslaw News

Today, we will be covering basic troubleshooting techniques for your computer. By the end of this column, you will know how to identify a problem within your system, and then determine whether you can:

a) Fix it yourself, or
b) Save yourself the trouble by taking your computer somewhere and shooting it.

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