By Ned Hickson/Siuslaw News
Soon, in the wee hours of the morning, something magical will happen in back yards all across America as, one by one, each of them is visited by…
You guessed it!
A half-naked father hiding Easter eggs.
By Ned Hickson/Siuslaw News
Once you are officially engaged, the first person to know, outside of immediate family and friends, is the postal delivery person. That’s because, on a daily basis, this person must find a way to stuff 800 pounds of free wedding catalogues into your mailbox. This is accomplished with careful folding, efficient use of space, and a potato masher.
By Ned Hickson/Siuslaw News
Each year, we gather as a family to have our pets blessed on St. Francis Day. We do this because we want to give our pets every advantage, particularly if there’s a chance — through divine intervention — that our Chocolate Labrador’s IQ could be raised above that of a standard carrot. I know this is supposed to be a general blessing situation, but I think God would agree there was a serious oversight during Stanley’s creation process.
By Ned Hickson/Siuslaw News
There are three things I know about “Larry.”
He is a contractor; he lives somewhere in Multnomah County; and he has the same cell phone number that I do.
By Ned Hickson/Siuslaw News
I can’t tell you how many nights I’ve spent lying awake, staring up at the ceiling and thinking to myself:
Gee, if only they could make a super strong mouse.
By Ned Hickson/Siuslaw News
It was 78 years ago that Clarence Birdseye, inspired by ancient food preservation methods used by Arctic Eskimos, made history by introducing the very first frozen food option: “Savory Caribou on a Stick.”
By Ned Hickson/Siuslaw News
Today, we will be covering basic troubleshooting techniques for your computer. By the end of this column, you will know how to identify a problem within your system, and then determine whether you can:
a) Fix it yourself, or
b) Save yourself the trouble by taking your computer somewhere and shooting it.
By Ned Hickson/Siuslaw News
Soon, men everywhere will be preparing for the Super Bowl. They will be finalizing their list of snack foods. They’ll be brushing up on Super Bowl trivia. And, most importantly, they will be trying to come up with a reasonable answer to the following question:
Why are there 14 half-naked super models tackling each other on TV?
By Ned Hickson/Siuslaw News
Journalism can be a dangerous profession, even for those of us who never actually leave our desk unless a “situation” develops, such as the sudden and unprovoked arrival of free donuts. On several occasions, I have found myself in harm’s way as a dozen employees stampeded into the break room (which, according to the Fire Marshal, has a “maximum occupancy level of two, as long as no one is using the commode.”) It is at those times, while being crushed between fellow employees grappling for the last maple bar, that I am reminded of just how dangerous my job can be.
By Ned Hickson/Siuslaw News
The human brain.
Most of us have one.
For those who don’t, there are warning labels.
Unfortunately, these warnings don’t appear on actual individuals. Instead, they are issued by the Consumer Product Safety Commission, which has the monumental task of thinking up ways stupid people might injure themselves using standard household items.